I hate not knowing WTF I’m doing

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about old patterns. Ones that we developed as children as some sort of survival mechanism. Ones that continue into adulthood even though they no longer serve us.

One of my own patterns I’ve been thinking about is being a perfectionist. As a kid, being the oldest, it kept me out of trouble. I was the one my parents didn’t have to worry about. I did my schoolwork, did great at sports, kept my nose clean, and won accolades.

In my current profession, I’ve always gone above and beyond. Sometimes I feel guilty about the little raise and promotion I got because I get paid more for the same amount of work. But then I realize I’m just getting paid for what I’ve been doing all along.

My mom used to say that if you’re gonna do something, you might get as well do it right. As a result, I’d obsessively research things and study others’ pitfalls so that I could take a very calculated first step.

That’s freaking exhausting! Plus you can only research so much before you have to just do it.

I started working out again and I hate feeling foolish in the gym. I’ve also been forging my way, slowly but surely, as a yoga teacher, and I’ve been having a hell of time calling myself a business woman. Navigating my path as an entrepreneur is scary, and owning a business was something I specifically said I’d never do. I’d worked for small business owners and married one. I saw the stress and I wanted none of it. Yet here I am.

Part of my big plan has been to reach financial independence so that there was less pressure to make it as a yoga teacher. If I failed as a yoga teacher, it wouldn’t matter because my livelihood doesn’t depend on that income. If I did make it… BONUS POINTS!

I launched an offering recently with very limited spaces. I thought it’d be easy to fill because of the connections I’ve been building, but it just hasn’t been turning out that way.

I know these things take time but I can’t help but feel like a failure. Being bad at something is super uncomfortable but it’s part of the process.

I’m actively working on rewiring some of my old patterns. It’s hard work and there are a lot of tears and yucky feelings involved, but as my teacher says, true transformation is not for faint of heart!